Weight

as in

"Do I need to lose weight?"

Variations: "I need to lose weight ... How much weight do you think I need to lose? ...Do you think I have lost weight?"

You know what land mines are? That’s right, powerful explosives subtly hidden and harmless, until you step on them - then you can’t move without being blown up.

Discussions of weight with your beloved will be similar: liable to await you anywhere; extremely difficult to see in advance; and highly volatile once encountered. There are recognised war zones: when she is dressing, particularly trying on new clothes, or pondering what to have for dinner - especially for pudding - her thoughts will easily turn to pounds and ounces.

But the matter may also arise when you are walking in the park, visiting a gallery or assessing the Premiership race. One moment you are at ease, the next you are frozen in fear. These surprising twists are the equivalent of guerrilla warfare - entirely unforeseeable and bound to be brutal.

Of course, if she is sleek - oh, most blessed of conditions - you are extremely fortunate. Not out of the woods, note, because she may require considerable convincing, but at least you’re not in mortal danger.

If she should shed a few pounds or twenty, the situation is trickier. You may long to tell her the truth, you have been longing to for ages - for her sake, of course - and this is an ideal opportunity, since she has raised the topic - but only the very brave will speak out.

Any suggestions you make will be multiplied by 10, constitute a massive criticism and probably never be forgotten. Remember: better plump and smiling than lean and mean. But if you say nothing, she will be encouraged to have another slice of pie and you know where that will lead.

If unsure what to do, tell her she looks fine, start a debate about the problems of obesity in other parts of the world and hope that, taking fright at what really large girls look like, she’ll watch her diet anyway.