Relationship

as in

"You call this a relationship?"

Variations: "What do you want from me? ... Where are we going? ... Don’t you value me at all?"

At the risk of sounding pedantic, everyone has a relationship with everyone else in the world. You have a relationship with the person - male or female - who sells you a paper in the morning, travels the road with you to work, sees you stopping off for a drink on the way home, or dies in the darkness on the other side of the world.

It may not be a profound relationship but it is a relationship nonetheless. No man is an island, remember. She, however, is talking about something more specific. Something that involves terms like “spending time together”, telling her she is “beautiful” even when she looks her worst and helping with the washing up after dinner.

You know very well that other things are more important to a relationship. Like sharing your thoughts on who will win the Premiership. Pointing out to her in detail how easy it is to fix a carburettor. And letting her have the last word now and then.

What more could any girl seriously expect? If you gave anymore, what would be left of yourself? Alright, quite a lot actually. But life wouldn’t be so easy.

And this is where relationships get tough. She won’t think you have one unless you are always upping the ante, adding a new wrinkle, doing a little more than yesterday.

It’s like the freshener in a toilet - it is always being depleted and needs attention.

This needn’t be as frightening as it sounds. Sometimes she will be pleased by things you actually want to do.